Friday Fun: What If Androids…?

Robots and androids are popular topics in sci-fi and technology circles. Some are thought up and created with more of a functional purpose behind them (think Honda’s ASIMO; can have human-like interaction, but the design is more functional), while others were specifically created to be as human-like as possible (Hiroshi Ishiguro’s Geminoid robots; see image above, android on left). But what if some were created with both characteristics as well as a third, more entertaining one?



“Good morning!”

“AH! Holy crap, what’re you doing?!”

“Waking you up, stupid. Only an idiot sleeps in as long as you do. Don’t want my master to be an idiot, right?”

“Ohh…” John immediately regretted buying Patrick.

“I thought you were supposed to be smart? Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep!”

“Apparently you’re doubly stupid. I already explained this – you need to get up. Don’t you remember that part? About 10 seconds ago?”

“I hate you.”

“And I hate you. For being lazy. Get up.”

John groaned and slid-tumbled out of bed. “I’ll get up, if only to get you to shut up.”

“Oh ha-ha, what a great rhyme.”

“I wasn’t trying to…nevermind. Can you make me some coffee while I shower?”

“If it’ll make you happier. And smarter.”

Yes,” John replied sarcastically, “it would.”

“Huh, glad something will.” Patrick moved off to the kitchen, leaving John to his shower.

Apparently I’ve bought the most sarcastic android in the world, John thought as he showered. Man, didn’t think it’d be this bad. Should’ve paid an extra thousand for the next model up.

While he was envisioning a better, newer model, Patrick showed up.

“AHHH! Patrick! You freakin’…”

“Freakin’ what? Awesome android? Thanks, I am.”

“Seriously, I hate you.”

“I know. But I’m too awesome to care.”

John sighed and placed his head in his hands. I’ll never have a peaceful shower again.

“What do you want, Patrick?”

“Your friend Dave just called, he’s coming over.”

“Okay, thanks. Next time, just yell at me. I like being alone in the shower, and you’re creeping me out.”

“I know. I did it on purpose.” Patrick walked out.

“Why you…”

Patrick popped back in. “Yes?”

Just get out!

“Fine. I hate you too.”

A few minutes after John finished his shower his friend Dave showed up.

“Oh man, I’m so glad you’re here. You’ve got to check this out.”


“I have the weirdest android ever.”

“Dude, you got one! Oh man, freakin’ sweet.”

“No, not sweet. Check this out.”

John yelled into the kitchen. “Patrick, I hate your android guts!”

“I hate you too, you stupid, lazy human! I wish I could’ve spit in your coffee!”

John motioned from Patrick to Dave, as if saying, “See how jacked-up my android is?”

Dave stared in awe. “Holy crap. You got one of the sarcastic models.”

“Yeah, but not just sarcastic. I thought sarcastic meant ‘funny.’ Instead it means, ‘sarcasm bordering on hatred, only contained by the fact that he can’t actually harm me.’ Or something close to that. Definitely not worth the thousand bucks I saved.”

Dave busted out laughing.

“Dude, it’s not funny. Two thousand bucks with that government subsidy and I expected at least a little respect! I get nothing! Well, at least I get coffee.”

“Which I wish I could’ve spit in!” Patrick yelled from the kitchen.

Dave doubled over, on the verge of tears.

After a few more laughs and sighs, his expression suddenly changed. He looked over at John, a little puzzled.

“Wait, why can’t he spit in your coffee? He said he wanted to.”

John rolled his eyes. “Apparently he’s allowed to talk about doing weird things, and he can freak me out, like this morning in the shower…”

Dave’s laugh interrupted. “What?”

“Yeah, he freaked me out in the shower this morning. But since that doesn’t actually harm me – I mean, he didn’t physically touch me or anything – then it’s fine.”

Dave laughed even harder.

“Ohhhhh man, wait until I tell the guys about this.”

“Dude, don’t you dare! I’m thinking about taking him back.”

“Do they even allow that?”

Patrick finally interrupted. “Not for dumb people like you!”

John looked over, a little worried. “Wait, Patrick, what do you mean?”

“You mean, why are you dumb?”

“Yeah, but about the return.”

“Oh, you forgot to buy the return warranty.”

“The what?!”

“There’s a return warranty for androids. Works just like a regular warranty, but it’s specifically for returns. Covers the manufacturers, so that people aren’t just returning awesome androids like me. It’s a good thing you’re dumb, right?”

John put his head in his hands and moaned while Dave laughed again.

Then John looked up. “Wait a second, didn’t your smart car freak out on you the other day?

“Dude…don’t change the subject. This is a way better story.”

Nate Humphries

Nate Humphries

Tech Editor at CultureMass
My two personal passions in life are technology and theology. If you sneaked a peek at my life you'd see me hanging out with my wife, our Dachshund Bella, and our snake Phoenix; playing Skyrim/Civ:BE/F3/FNV/BL/Rage/GW2/SRIV; watching movies; reading on my Kindle (sci-fi or theology research); or playing on my Moto 360/Samsung Galaxy Note II.
Nate Humphries
Nate Humphries

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